Birth Pains

As if there aren’t enough goddesses at work in my psyche, now I’ve been given Athena.  I accept.  Persephone, Demeter, Hecate, Hestia, and now Athena.  (Oh, and some conversations with Kali, too, but that’s another pantheon.)

I’ve been wanting to write about my experiences the last 3 months since attending the intensive, but it’s been difficult because everything has felt so unresolved, so unclear. Much of it may always be a mystery, but I have come to understand certain things about it.  It may take several blogs, and I may not be as linear or logical as usual.  Maybe that's a good thing!

To make a long story short, after being in the crucible of the intensive (with fires also burning all around Topanga and nearby), I felt myself seized by a headache in the back of my head.  But I’ve grown convinced that it is really a spiritual illness with physical manifestations. I have to treat it accordingly (but be assured I’ve used the allopathic system as well as lots of all kinds of alternative treatments).  

Yesterday, I had a conversation with Deena.  She says something is about to be born.  Like Zeus before Athena sprang from his head, I, too,  have an aching head.

Deena spoke of a statue of Athena at the Parthenon Museum, and I remembered it immediately.  It’s one of the few images of Athena that I love.  As Deena said, Athena is a warrior, but also very feminine, and accompanied by snakes (which many goddesses are).  She is the goddess of the mind, and I’m ready for a new belief system (or an old one, really) to take hold.

If you read my blog in early June, you might remember this image:

That’s where this poem begins (and where I am now):

Birth Pains

First,

there was an image,

a box of mystery,

required and sought –

held in Persephone’s hands -

claimed at the behest

of greater forces -

opened to reveal

ghosts and fear,

shame and diverted anger.

Resisting that which you pursued,

you turned your head

to one side and

threw your arms up

to shield your face.

They formed an X, a cross,

to ward off pain and suffering,

to stop the necessary change

that must follow.

After the image

came the dream:

Fix the hub and all healing

will radiate through the spokes

to every part of the wheel.

Spirit has seized you

like a mama cat

snatching up her kitten

by the nape of its neck.

Here - She says –

Look here –

where you have shoved me  

to the back of your mind.

Your dream spoke true -

I am the hub of the wheel,

Not you.

That was no more than

a false belief.

You were never alone.

You were never in charge.

No wonder you cannot trust.

You chose to believe a lie.

I will hold you here

until you relax into

the embrace of truth

and realize that

what you asked for so fervently

you had all along.

I will not, cannot, abandon you.

Fear will not abandon you, either.

It is my messenger,

informing you to open your eyes,

open your heart,

breathe,

live.

It no longer needs to run your life.

Shame?  Let it go.

You don’t need it any more.

Anger?

Keep it.

Use it righteously.

This may be unexpected.

Good.

Wake up.

The box is open,

and everything

is now released.

Zeus had a headache, too.

And Athena was born.