It begins With a Call (Part 24): She Who Is Never Not Broken

My friend Jane and I have been holding a series of workshops for women elders called Convening the Council.  In preparing for one on the theme of brokenness, Jane ran across a goddess called Akhilandeshvari, or She Who Is Never Not Broken.  I have become a little obsessed with Her.  I find something very compelling and important about the concept of being never not broken.  I suppose it’s because broken is really how I’ve felt these last half dozen or so years.  Or always!  Maybe it’s true for all of us.  It reminds me of the Buddhist Noble Truth that life is suffering.  I have been so taken with this goddess that I researched her story and worked up a version to tell at our annual grief ritual.

My SoulCollage® card for Akhilandeshvari

Once there was, is, and will be a goddess called Akhilandeshvari, or She Who Is Never Not Broken.  She rides down the river of existence and through the villages of India on the back of a crocodile, striking fear and terror into the hearts of the people.  Being always broken has made Her always fierce. What could She mean to the people besides wrath and devastation? 

In the village of Thiruvanaikal, the people went to their philosopher and sage Shankara and pleaded with him to find a way to appease Akhilandeshvari.  And so he got the idea to build a new temple, to Ganesha, the elephant-headed god, the Remover of Obstacles, opposite Akhilandeshvari’s temple.  In this way, the first sight to greet Her eyes every morning would be Ganesha.  This apparently did succeed in calming some of Her destructive tendencies, but not enough to completely comfort the frightened villagers.  So, Shankara meditated on the situation again.  During his meditation, the mystical symbol of the Sri Yantra arose in his mind.  This image consists of nine interlocking triangles, representing the union of the sensory world and the cosmos.  

Shankara came up with the idea to make earrings for the goddess in the shape of the Sri Yantra, as an attempt to bring more balance to the goddess.  The gift pleased the goddess and did succeed in pacifying her anger more.  However, She chose to only wear them during the day.  At night, when She removes them, all of Her powers are released.  In the darkness, all of who She is emerges.

Akhilandeshvari rules over all endings and transitions.  She brings, is, and takes away loss and pain. 

We can understand – can’t we? - how being never not broken would make one angry.  How can She bear it?  She is not the goddess we would choose to pray to for healing, or to bring us our hearts’ desires.  But She can be a teacher and guide for those of us awake to all the joys and the suffering of the world.  Are we not like Her?  Always broken, always whole?  Full of anger at our lot.  Always riding on the back of the terrifying crocodile, aware that we might be eaten or drowned at any moment, and yet still daring to ride?

I’ve been reading quotes from Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron every morning.  She speaks a lot about learning not to prefer good over bad, but to accept whatever comes as a way to wake up.  And to cultivate gratitude and kindness, no matter what arises.  She says:

“Basically, the instruction Is not to try to solve the problem but instead to used it as a question about how to let this very situation wake us up further rather than lull us into ignorance.”

It’s a challenge.  What can Akhilandeshvari teach me?  Perhaps Her limitations and Her role, Her calling, are both Her gift and Her challenge.  My challenge?  To see any gift at all in the moods and symptoms I experience around my health.