Reframing

Our house in Menlo Park sold exactly seven years ago, and we were able to begin our new life in Oakland (and how grateful we are).

Interestingly, my friend who still lives in the old neighborhood told me the house was up for sale again, and I was interested and a little horrified to see the "improvements" they'd made - everything, and I mean everything, was painted white, included the brick fireplaces, our light wooden kitchen cabinets, and our beautiful blue bathroom tiles.  Well, it must have worked because it sold - and quickly - for almost twice what we sold it for!  Of course, our house here has also increased ridiculously in value as well.  The times we're living in... Oy.

But what I really wanted to talk about was the practice of reframing I embarked on when the old house was for sale.  I had broken my foot and was pretty housebound.  Of course, I had to vacate the premises every time a realtor brought a prospective buyer.  Man, I hated that knee scooter!  And it took a while before the house sold.  It was a challenging time.  I got the idea, though, to reframe my thinking and consider that period as a writing retreat.  I began this blog then.  It really helped me get through those weeks.

Maybe it's the timing of the anniversary of the sale, but in any case, I had reason to remember that reframing exercise this morning.  I've been having these wonky palpitations lately, and so my cardiologist decided to have me wear a patch that tracks your heartbeats for two weeks.  I did this once before, and all wound up fine, but still I can't help but be a bit anxious about it, especially since I can't swim for the whole time, and swimming is what I do for health and sanity.  

This morning, remembering the events of seven years ago, I had the thought that I could reframe the current episode the way I did then.  It will now be my exercise in heart-opening.  Every time I feel and get annoyed by the patch, every time my heartbeat pounds or feels weird, I will make an effort to think, Well, here's another reminder to open my heart.  I don't know how successful I will be, but it's worth a try.

And so, here's a poem I wrote some time back about the heart (and, of course, pomegranates):

What Your Heart Says

It is only just beginning,

this cracking open of grief.

Look into the crevices,

see what seeps out and

what longs to come forward.

Your heart is like a pomegranate,

split-skinned and spilling forth

dark rubies of fruit.

Let them break loose and tumble free.

Expose what’s at the core.

Bequeath it to

 the dark and friable soil 

of the soul. Hope for

the new green shoots

that sprout from suffering.

Small Victories Are Good

Waiting is a funny thing.  There’s so much to do, and yet there’s not much I can do yet. 

We bought our duplex.  Finally!  Escrow closed last Friday.  But the sellers are renting back for a week or two until their new apartment is ready, and so we’re still here in ours.  Don’t get me wrong - I like it here.  I will miss College Avenue and Elmwood.  It has been a comfy, interesting place to be.  But I so want to move and get settled.  And until we can get the foundation work completed, I’ll probably continue being a little nervous.  When I say it needs foundation work, I’m not kidding – and it’s on a hillside.  Maybe buying this house doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, really, but we like it.  We just need to get it fixed.  And make it ours.  That’s what I look forward to, making it ours.

So, all those places you need to change address and/or service for – can’t do any of that until we know for sure when the former owners will be out.  I know, I know, I need to be patient for a little while longer.  And we do have our Day of the Dead ritual coming up this Saturday, which will take a lot of time and energy.  I thought about starting to pack, but the apartment (or as Ruby says, the “parpanent”) is so small I’m not sure where I could put the boxes. 

The good news is we’ve really gotten used to living in a small space, so even though the duplex is definitely downsizing from Bay Road, it’s upsizing from here!

I went to Spiral Dance this year for the first time in a number of years.  The spiral dance itself is wonderful, and the altars were great.  I think I am done with it, though (even if Barry isn’t).  I never got pulled in to the ritual, and I miss the old music that they’ve scrapped.  Fortunately, there are many other options around here for observing the Day of the Dead, including our own.

I am very grateful for my Monday evening women’s meditation group and for my Wednesday evening Song Circles with Jennifer Berezan.  They are both helping me stay sane and giving me times to breathe and settle into myself.  Both have a Buddhist flavor to them, and I am appreciating the emphasis on softening around whatever feelings are arising.  And also on being kinder to myself.  I caught myself getting really pissed off yesterday when I realized I was falling into my usual fear state, but I was actually able to chill out on the negative self-talk.  Small victories are good, I guess.

The Bear in the Living Room

I haven’t written since we first moved to Berkeley.  It’s been a busy time.  There was a wedding (beautiful and magical) and family in town.  And relentless house hunting and being outbid on the first three offers we made.   So, due to all the activity, you might have the impression that this period of hanging out with Hecate at the crossroads is over.  Not so.  I am still here (maybe at a slightly different “here”), sitting with her again, in this liminal space.  I am working on accepting that, trying to remember to exhale deeply and release, as often as possible.

I have a little personal tradition of drawing one of my SoulCollage® cards at the solstices and equinoxes – something to guide me and reflect on for that next season.  I call the one I drew for this fall, “Why I Became a Six.”  (Sorry for the quality - it's an iPhone shot.) This only makes sense if you know the Enneagram, a personality typing system that I like a lot.  Unlike other such systems, the Enneagram has a lot of complexity and depth; it is not simplistic.  I won’t get into a lot of explanation about it here, but will just say that of the nine basic types, I am a six, which essentially means that I am fear-based; my habitual reaction to things is to go into fear.  It is a challenge, and I am heartily sick of myself in this regard. 

Maybe you know what I mean.  Can I get an “Amen”?

What the card says to me at this moment is:  I am one who is very scared.  Something large and frightening is right in the middle of my house, and I am expected to accept it and treat it as if it is no big deal.  But, to me, it is a very big deal, and others’ (meaning my parents’) acceptance of this as okay and normal is crazy-making to me.

Talk about the bear in the living room!

So, I view this next few months as a time to look at my fears, understand why I have them (although this may or may not be so important), and attempt to release the hold that fear has on me.  Hecate’s handed me a big one here, I think.  A life’s work.  Really, haven’t I been working on this for most of my adult life?  Geez, does it ever end?

More specifically, though, the card is a stunningly accurate representation of my fear and what is in the middle of the potential house we are trying to buy.  It needs some big foundation work, more than we knew when we bid on it.  There is a big bear in the middle of this house.  Will we get it?  I don’t know.  Waiting.  Hecate.  Tra-la!

I have to say that I really am loving being in Berkeley.  Barry, too.  He’s been hiking around getting to know the adjacent neighborhoods and having a great time.  My foot is healing and I’m starting to be able to walk more.  I finally saw a physical therapist and she helped a lot.  I’m also working with a new naturopath/homeopath, got a new HMO doc (who is interested in alternative medicine – yay!) and will soon see a new biologic dentist to finally get the last of my amalgam fillings removed (which the naturopath thinks will help my health).  My friend Marcia invited me to a women’s meditation group, and we are starting to visit with friends here.  This all doesn’t sound like Limbo, but until we really and truly are settled into a house, I am still hanging out with Hecate.  And maybe even after.  Who knows?   Not me!  Tra-la!