It Begins with a Call: Wrestling the Snake, Carrying the Fire (Part 14)

I begin morning pages with my curiosity about the surfacing of Hygeia.  Here is what comes out of my pen:

            You are coming to terms with illness, aging and death because these are the things that can stand in the way of the work.  Legitimately.  You will not be able to do as much as when you were younger, and you’ll need to accept it.  This is the snake you are wrestling with.  You must feed it and get a handle on it or it will bite you and control you, driving you into fear.  And in fear nothing good happens except for heightened senses and the need to run.  From this, though, you will have no escape.  This is a huge piece of work that cannot be done in (healthy) youth.

Here is what I am coming to: the knowledge that when fear arises, as it will since it is my habitual tendency, there is a deep core of myself, where my soul resides, that I can deepen into.  I can breathe, lower my shoulders, and be kind to myself.  I do not need to victimize myself with my fears or catastrophize.

I go to a writing workshop with my teacher.  She drums, and we write what arises in us.

What the Drum Calls Forth

Fire voice rising

Fire voice rising up

Dance dance

dance the fire.

Twice, three times every night

Fire rises up and you

rush to quench it, damp it down.

Why do you think it comes to you?

It comes to be danced.

It comes to be honored.

It comes, and where does it come from?

From Spirit, or the root of the body?

From theories or heart song?

From the core of being?

There is no respect for fire.

There is no respect for water.

There is no respect for air.

There is no respect for earth.

But you,

you have the gift of fire,

of fire voice rising up,

of the power of the fire dance.

The flame, the eternal one that burns

in the deep heart’s core,

you cannot ignore it for anything else.

You cannot contain it if

you cannot respect it.

Your fingertips burn,

your face turns red,

your world burns, and you

have yet to own it.

The voice of fire says –

Take me!  Take me!

You know I am yours.

Why do you turn away?

Why do you deny me,

forsake me, let me run out

of control in the winds?

Because the winds are in collusion.

The water is in collusion.

The earth, the earth lies down

before it.

Deny me – fire says –

and your life is a travesty.

Why do you think you are here?

You are here to ignite the world.

Your longing for water is not contrary.

Your love of water, of sky, of trees,

of hummingbirds at the red feeder are not

a rebuttal.

The facet you polish brightens the

whole jewel.

Now, now do you know

why you are here?

The teacher says it is hard and it is interesting to carry something.  If you are willing to carry it, everything changes.  It is not to be healed, but to be carried.