Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Bear in the Living Room

I haven’t written since we first moved to Berkeley.  It’s been a busy time.  There was a wedding (beautiful and magical) and family in town.  And relentless house hunting and being outbid on the first three offers we made.   So, due to all the activity, you might have the impression that this period of hanging out with Hecate at the crossroads is over.  Not so.  I am still here (maybe at a slightly different “here”), sitting with her again, in this liminal space.  I am working on accepting that, trying to remember to exhale deeply and release, as often as possible.

I have a little personal tradition of drawing one of my SoulCollage® cards at the solstices and equinoxes – something to guide me and reflect on for that next season.  I call the one I drew for this fall, “Why I Became a Six.”  (Sorry for the quality - it's an iPhone shot.) This only makes sense if you know the Enneagram, a personality typing system that I like a lot.  Unlike other such systems, the Enneagram has a lot of complexity and depth; it is not simplistic.  I won’t get into a lot of explanation about it here, but will just say that of the nine basic types, I am a six, which essentially means that I am fear-based; my habitual reaction to things is to go into fear.  It is a challenge, and I am heartily sick of myself in this regard. 

Maybe you know what I mean.  Can I get an “Amen”?

What the card says to me at this moment is:  I am one who is very scared.  Something large and frightening is right in the middle of my house, and I am expected to accept it and treat it as if it is no big deal.  But, to me, it is a very big deal, and others’ (meaning my parents’) acceptance of this as okay and normal is crazy-making to me.

Talk about the bear in the living room!

So, I view this next few months as a time to look at my fears, understand why I have them (although this may or may not be so important), and attempt to release the hold that fear has on me.  Hecate’s handed me a big one here, I think.  A life’s work.  Really, haven’t I been working on this for most of my adult life?  Geez, does it ever end?

More specifically, though, the card is a stunningly accurate representation of my fear and what is in the middle of the potential house we are trying to buy.  It needs some big foundation work, more than we knew when we bid on it.  There is a big bear in the middle of this house.  Will we get it?  I don’t know.  Waiting.  Hecate.  Tra-la!

I have to say that I really am loving being in Berkeley.  Barry, too.  He’s been hiking around getting to know the adjacent neighborhoods and having a great time.  My foot is healing and I’m starting to be able to walk more.  I finally saw a physical therapist and she helped a lot.  I’m also working with a new naturopath/homeopath, got a new HMO doc (who is interested in alternative medicine – yay!) and will soon see a new biologic dentist to finally get the last of my amalgam fillings removed (which the naturopath thinks will help my health).  My friend Marcia invited me to a women’s meditation group, and we are starting to visit with friends here.  This all doesn’t sound like Limbo, but until we really and truly are settled into a house, I am still hanging out with Hecate.  And maybe even after.  Who knows?   Not me!  Tra-la!

1 comment: